One year ago today...

I had a rough night last night. Payton has a cold and he was so stuffed up that the only way he could sleep was to sleep sitting up, so I was up with him most of the night sitting in a chair, and sucking out his nose with that horrible blue thing they give you at the hospital. This morning while I was rocking him, I felt strangely grateful for the experience. One year ago today, Steve's niece Kadie passed away. As I held my child in my arms I thought of Kelly, Steve's sister, and I wondered what she would give to do what I'm doing right now.
One year ago today, I stood next to Kadie's hospital bed and held her warm hand and said good bye. It was a strange experience because they were keeping her "alive" to harvest her organs, but she technically was dead. Her chest was rising and falling, her heart was beating, and she was pink and warm. I kept wanting to feel in my heart that she was still going to make it, but we all knew she wasn't, so it was time to say good bye. And that's what we all did.
Watching a mother lose her child is the most heart breaking experience I have ever witnessed in my whole life. They let Kelly lay in bed with her daughter for most of the day, so she could say good bye in her own way and the sight was almost more than anyone could bear.
At her viewing a few days later, we were all waiting for the viewing to begin and Steve nudged me to look at what was happening right in front of us... Cooper was laying on his back, giggling, and squirming all over and we just really felt impressed that Kadie was playing with her cousin one last time. She always loved to play with the kids, and was the first one to want to hold the babies!
The first time the Clark family got together after the funeral, I realized how much I really did miss her. I felt so lonely and I realized it was because she wasn't there. I realized then, that we always sat next to each other, and chatted, and ate and it was then that I realized that I didn't just lose a niece, I lost a friend.
My grandma gave me a really good piece of advise the morning of my wedding. My grandpa had been gone for 16 years, and they were truly in love. My grandma said,"your grandpa would come home from work everyday and take off his work boots and leave his lunch pail right in front of the front door everyday and everyday I would yell at him, 'John put your boots and pail away' what I wouldn't give to see those boots and pail in front of the door now, don't let yourself get upset about the small things, because once they are gone, those are the things you miss." Thank you grandma!
So today, hug your kids a little tighter, and give your husbands a kiss that they will remember! Life's too short to not.